GUS & GOD

My blog is really getting on my nerves these days.  Layout, posts and lack of posts... it needs a whole new restructuring - just like life in 2012.  

If this post is hap-hazard and not making tons of sense, it's because I just found out that I can "sneak" internet from someone around me apparently named "Gus".  Hi Gus!  Thanks Gus for letting me sneak your internet, Gus.  I'm so excited Gus.  YOUR NAME IS GUS!!   

So here I am attempting a blog post with classical and sirens play in the background while my dog whimper-whines for me to play with her.  Sorry dog, at least we're making eye contact while I'm typing this... no wait, she just jumped in my lap.  #SoNeedy

And back to attempting to write a blog post.  Hmm.. 2012 goals?  Goals is a word that quite irks me out.  What do I want to accomplish, what do I want to do, how can I get the results of this life I want?  To me, goal setting and completing promotes a person to engage in fixing life by one's own power.  HOLD UP NOW!  One BIG thing I've learned in 2011 is that if I do anything with my own power, it ends up going really really poorly AND bombs out with a really really bad outcome.

Here is where I confess that I suck at doing life.  

And here is where I envision Wile E. Coyote chasing the roadrunner.  The coyote tries to work up these clever ideas.  He has specially laid out blueprint plans with instructions from how to get from start to finish and they always ALWAYS fail.  He continually blows himself up, runs into walls and falls off cliffs to his miserable doom.  BUT he keeps on trying and trying his way over and over and OVER again and after a few episodes, it's just exhausting to watch and no longer is it even really funny.  Well, that's pretty much how I feel when I try to power my way through life.  I feel exhausted and just like the coyote, I always fail and it's not pretty or fun.  It looks like this >>> click me.

So what's going to be different for 2012 (and beyond! hello, Buzz Lightyear) is a "plan" that involves a heck of a lot LESS me and WAY more of Him.  Who, Him?... Gus?  No, not Gus.  Another three letter "G" word - GOD.  

I can't do anything on my own and am learning the difference between saying you want something and then really doing what you say you want.  It seems simple, but my life has proved entirely different.  I say I follow Christ, I say I want a relationship with him but nothing about the way I live shows or proves the things I say... hello, Gus... hello, God... it's me, Christin - I'm a big hypocrite. 

I want to remove me from the scenario and, let's face it, get my Jesus on and put God back into my life like I always wanted to, just never fully pressed the okay-let's-do-this-FOR REALS-this-time button.  Seems strange, girl in her thirties who was raised in a wonderful Christian home, who has been a part of church since the womb, been in homegroups, smallgroups, led groups and been involved in other ministries but never has fully let it all go.  There has always been some part of me that has wanted to do me and not just hand it all over... till now.

LongCityWalks says the following in her blog and it's a good start, "The plan this time is to spend my time with God for the next few months reading my Bible to get to know God all over again.  (You’re like, “duh,” but if I’m being honest with myself, I was convicted about the self-help thing and needed a slight heart shift.) This morning I started.  I read Genesis 1 and mined it for what God was doing.  His heart.  His character.  His personality.  I filled four pages in my journal on that one chapter … but more importantly, my heart felt full.  That’s what happens when the plan is not about me"

So 2012, starts with actually following the words of my mouth and longings of my heart.  Pursuing Him and denying me.  Plain and simple.  

SIGNED:  THANK YOU GUS FOR SHARING YOUR INTERNET, THANK YOU GOD FOR CONTINUALLY PURSUING ME WHEN I DON'T PURSUE YOU.