What is one supposed to do when all that remains in the magazine rack is an ancient issue of Time, a crumpled Redbook, and a Sports Illustrated whose pages are all curled and warped because some swamp monster poured every ounce of sweat onto it while on the elliptical? Where does one focus their attention when the highlights on Sports Center are over and all thats left is Mark McGrath spilling the latest celeb gossip on Extra?
One’s attention can only be distracted for so long before it turns to the man right beside you on the Stairclimber who is pounding (and I mean POUNDING) the steps. It’s amazing that your attention has been diverted for so long, considering his stomping is outplaying your iPod. Your attempts to spin the volume up higher are soon abandoned when you realize… it’s not going to get any louder.
You feel helpless! No, not even the man in his upper thirties who looks like he bought out the Under Armer store and is ferociously pacing around the free weights can distract you now. Nor can the MILF Barbie mom who is all matched out in pink and purple spandex with a coordinating visor. Sadly there is no hope, no… you begin thinking this man could have been cast in Stomp the Gym or Step Up (ha).
Maybe its because you had only an orange and half a quesadilla for lunch or that you already ran four miles but your mind begins to drift. As you continue to climb the four stairs that have transformed into hiking Mount Everest, the balding man’s stomp, stomp, stomping is taking you back… back to a time, a place and a game that you once had fond memories of.
The time was at little Sally’s 6th birthday party. The place was Chucky Cheese’s (or for those of you in West Texas, Mr. Gattie’s). And the game was the Wacky Gator game… Main Objective: Let out all built-up aggression and bash five or six gators who taunt and tease you by peeking their heads out.
Somehow Mr. Big Foot’s stomping oddly resembles the horrendous whacking noise of hitting the gators over and over again. However, by discreetly glancing over in the general direction of MBF’s Stairclimber, you soon find out that he has 20 minutes left to go. In turn your hike is already half over which means, PRAISE THE LORD... you’re only stuck for another 10 minutes.SIGNED: WHACKED OUT
2 comments:
Unbelievable. this post should be in a magazine. it is so spot-on and so hilarious. i was just at the gym last night and i didn't have a stomper, but i had FEROCIOUS elliptical users. I thought it was pretty funny when I looked at their resistance levels and they were set at Level 2 - while I'm sitting there hauling ass at Level 10! and one of the guys was an UnderArmour worshipper like you described. awesome.
Mr Ghatti's? We had that here in Dallas? What's this W. Tx BS?> LMAO! It was Chuck E Cheez or SHOWBIZ PIZZA Tiger! And WHACK A MOLE was WAY more fun. Luv ya.
~Mr. King Johnny Drama at your service.
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