A LOST SOUL

Okay, so I realize, this post won't seem to fit the "sunshiney" theme I have going on here. Please take it for what it's worth... sometimes you just need to get things out and today, this was the form that it decided to take.

You’ll never know
The soul you lost
Taken advantage of
By absurdities
Nothing more
Then for self gain
A selfish destruction
You crafted
Your insecurities
Destroyed
A loving soul
You took
You manipulated
You stole
From a heart
To feast upon
And feed
Your own self guilt
Inside
Nothing is left
Hollow
Hardened
A heart in need
Of mending
What was left
Lost
On the bathroom floor
Lost
In eight pills
That said
Nothing could be
The same
Anymore
And the words
The mistrust
The anger
Reciprocate into
Lost trust
And lost hope
The ability to love
Because it’s hard
To know now
To define
What that is
And the feeling
Of lost
It won’t go
Away


Such is life. I've been broken up with my ex-boyfriend for a little over a yesr now. A year to heal, right? You would only hope for! Maybe a three year relationshp takes three years of healing?... this is what I'm beginning to believe at least!

Some days my spirit is exhausted because of the thoughts and feelings that creep up inside me. I'm fearful that my heart will always be hardened and remain callused to so many things. I hate it! Is this Satan's attack on my wounded soul teling me I'm not good enough to find a way out of this mess? That whatever I do, or however patient I am or how much I obey... that it will not be enough? Because this is how I feel. He is without a doubt very good at finding a way into my soul to pick at and resurface all the insecurities I harbor inside. Question marks of pain and sin that I never wish to feel or experience again... I can not stand an exhausted and dead, hollow spirit, because it is not what I was created for.

As much as this sounds like an I'm-down-in-the-dumps post... I'm really not- maybe the post is! Actually I don't mind going through the valley, however low it is... because I know I need the renewal in the end (however long it takes!) and these days are just helping me to get there (big run-on, yes I know). As long as I have my Father walking beside me, I know that His love is enough and will carry me through the hard times. Questionative? Sure! All the time... I'm so full of questions that I could explode- things I would ask God of why I went through this or why did it have to happen that way? I wonder where the richness of love that once flowed from my heart is - because I want it back. Keep trusting, keep believing, never lose your hope is what He tells me... be fearful, be obedient, be wise. These things I can do because His promises are immense. I can delight in knowing that my soul can find peace and rest in Him.

Psalm 42:5 (The Message)

5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

SIGNED: I PROMISE THE NEXT POST WILL EMBODY MORE PEP.